Sometimes people who look like they shouldn't be a pair end up together, and maybe forever. It feels like love should be made up of so much more than just effort. Endless love should be an understanding about each other. And Love shouldn't be about finding someone 'alright enough' to start a family with. I guess we'll eventually settle down (and perhaps for less) when there's still no one at 30, just because we don't want to be lonely beings and we need to reproduce. But I'm just 20 anyway.

I live in a fairytale. I think many things should just come together in a click. I've seen my parents so happy together for so many years now, never seen them not working as a pair (besides the one-day, at most two, quarrels). Sure, they put in a lot (and I mean a lot, alot) of effort into making things work, but it never seems forced, or like they're putting in more effort than they should. They said things just worked out for them. I think they complement each other well. I told myself I'll never let myself have anything less than that.

The thought of devoting your life to someone when you could be better off growing old with someone else you MIGHT meet 5 years later bugs me. There is also no point in being with someone compatible with you on an 'okay' level, cause you might be so in love at that point and miss out something better. One day I know I'll be gravely mistaken, but for now, I'll still wait for some click that could never happen, at least to me.

Because I just can't stand the thought of binding yourself with someone you might have to fight too hard for and eventually lose just because you're really not meant for each other. I don't want to start something knowing you have your differences anyway, then fight hard for a long period and realise that the difference is something you both cannot mend afterall. And when the kids come, you have no choice but to hold on even though you don't love each other much. It's so painful to watch two people fighting over differences that are ingrained in them. Why hold on when you're not meant for each other? Pure connection doesn't come simply by letting (or making) yourselves trust each other, trust is about understanding each other on SO many levels that can't be explained.

It's also painful to watch someone loving a girl who loves herself more than him. The "would you rather love or be loved" question. I think there should never be an imbalance. I don't think I'd want to agree to a bond where I know he'll always love me more. The reality is that there's an imbalance most of the time, I'm just saying it's not ideal.

I know we can't change someone. There must be someone, just being himself, worth settling for, who thinks we are worth settling for. There must be the right person we'll find at the right time, and we'll hold onto each other forever.

I'll probably realise how extremely naive this one day.

Still feel like a lot of people don't know who I am. They like to assume that I am just the crazy, hyperactive girl. I'm not made up of just that.

Maybe I really give too little shit about what others think of me.
Ok I'm probably the weirdest girl you'll ever meet on the planet. Who doesn't really act like a girl. My mom says I should be more graceful. My friend says I should act more demure and to not have sleepy eyes. I agree with the part about having sleepy eyes, but I really don't want to be so conscious of a part of me just because people wouldn't like it.

Feel like people who'll accept me despite such oddities will be the most true and genuine, and that's the way things should be. But I guess we do live in a planet with other beings and we do have to care about being able to fit in, to a certain extent.

"i feel i can express my feelings to anyone, you don't necessarily have to trust them to do so"

so we didn't take photos. But we swear by my crystallized sweat and nico's seventeen pairs of jeans that we completed the race with the bizillions of germ-looking people in black dry fit shirts today.

And hi nico if you ever read this, i really like how you see the better side of people and bring out the better side of me. It's as though you're constantly reminding me (just with your presence) to not be judgemental and always attempt to understand people.
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Suddenly realised I've been rather anti-social, turning down the 'new' people in my life, not even putting in the effort to know them better. I wonder what people think about my text replies that always come hours or a day late. I have no right to feel sad when I scroll through all the pictures others take together.

focus on what's left to focus on

ok i think it ends right here.

And regarding people, I'm still enjoying my time trying to be the person i used to want to be. The one who will not be rejected by the crowds or the sociable outspoken friendly popular kids. The one who belongs to bigger groups (which makes you 'generally acceptable') and does not have to cry after classes. University life is something fresh, something new, something exciting. Somehow this sense of belonging I've always wanted feels short-lived. I'm getting used to such "surface-level relationships", but I don't feel particularly happy. Accepted, yes, but not particularly joyful. Where's the particular meaning in life I used to constantly seek? It probably isn't in large groups of people. I don't even like being with that much people that much to begin with - which probably explains why I used to be the quiet kid in big groups (and in contrast, a crazy ball of energy when with my closer friends). Perhaps the stupidest thing i've done is to feel upset about not being able to blend into huge groups. I would've been happier feeling okay with myself. I didn't have to be a stupid insecure kid. Next change; to go back to being who I used to be, know what will make me deeply satisfied, not just 'happy'. As much as being part of a community feels nice, there isn't enough time to have both social and personal time. Comfort is not completely found in big groups, nor is it found just within myself. I need (a few) individuals. Just where on earth are they?

I think I'm slowly turning into someone (too) easily satisfied with life.

I used to think carefully before every decision, rejected doing things that seem to be meaningless, used to hate small talks, only considered those whom i can connect perfectly well with my friends, or somewhere along the lines of that. That made me feel better than others in the sense that I wasn't simply 'floating' on earth (like I probably am now), but I was sad all the time. So I started to erase lot of my expectations and told myself 'whatever will be, will be'. I guess I might've taken the phrase the wrong way, because it ended up as 'don't put so much thought into things, just let things happen and accept it', which shouldn't be the case because it simply means I don't have a goal or a brain right now. I don't feel like I'm in control of anything, I just feel okay and generally happy about everything - or at least i try to make myself forget and move on whenever things upset me. I'm not reflecting enough, not doing enough with my life. This has to change. (Or does it? Why do we need so much meaning in our life?)

I really shouldn't question every single bloody thing.
Things have to change.

You remind me of the part of me I tried hard to erase.
It makes me irrationally mad. annoyed. disturbed.
I.r.r.a.t.i.o.n.a.l.l.y annoyed.

(Note to self)

A friend who cares about you will not be selfish. You will be there to listen to her when she's down, but she must be interested to listen to what you have to say as well. Evaluate your friendship, will she still be your friend when she doesn't need you?

Similarly, evaluate your friendship with a person if you see yourself putting your own needs before hers/his. You're being unfair to someone if you let her/him think you value the friendship a lot when in fact you just want someone to listen to your troubles and have someone to hang out with. Or maybe you really do value that friendship, but how often do you put your needs before hers/his? Or are you more interested in talking about yourself that listening to what s/he has to say, simply because you don't -genuinely- care?

Say you realise you don't actually care that much. Should you decide to put in more effort, or slowly distance yourself away? Because sometimes we can't fake our interest in people. Be genuine to everyone, including yourself. And don't ever lie to people about how much they mean to you. Never.

Always be honest.

1. Know what you want to do
2. Know what you're doing

Interviews are like everyday conversations: messy, complex, often containing contradictions and statements that are made off the top of one's head, with people shifting topics and getting lost in details, losing the line of their argument, not finding the exact words for what they wish to say, and with silences, hesitations, pauses. Recording devices often have a 'voice activation' tool; if you switch it on it will only record when there is an audible voice.

Never ever switch that thing on. If you do, you would lose that crucial part of conversations which we call silence. Silences are not an absence of speech, they are the production of silence, they are very much part of speech. We produce silence when we need to think, when we hesitate (i.e. when we find something sensitive, controversial, or emotional), when we do not wish to say something.

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As much as IEM's stressful, I feel like it's the module I can relate the most to.

Shit it is 2:41, i am staring at the comments my prof made on my IEM essay and I don't get a single bloody thing. The words seemed perfectly comprehensible a few days back. Bloody need sleep. The brain can't even match names to faces/people now.

On a brighter note, I'm thankful for the concerned and helpful people in my life. The corner room on the 19th floor loves company. Will do nice stuff for people when I have a little more time.

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edit: 6:11am. Haven't slept the whole night. Caffeine seems to be doing its wonders as my brain is not as dead as it was. Just let me survive till 12. No wait, 3. No wait, 7:30. No wait, the day only ends at 11. And then it'll be wednesday.

Miss drawing alot.